I am going to preface that every marriage and relationship is different, so my opinions are based on a specific family dynamic, but a lot of my thoughts can still apply no matter what your marital status is.
I think there are a lot of people out there who think that the kids should come first in the "Priority Totem Pole" of life. Sorry...but married couples would be absolutely foolish to do so.
Shortly after Chris and I were married and we talked about having kids, I told him that we needed to make a pact that our marriage came first, and kids second. His immediate reaction was that I was nuts and we would be completely selfish to think that way. When I explained my logic, it was almost as if I flicked that light bulb on in his head! "Ohhh....that makes a lot of sense! I never thought of it that way"
Let's get real, people who make their kids their entire life usually end up divorced or in a loveless marriage. Summary: alone. Wouldn't you agree?? Let's face it, if you throw your entire focus and energy into your kids, it becomes incredibly easy to neglect your marriage. If you neglect your marriage, the kids suffer, bottom line. The people who stay in a loveless marriage and decide to "wait it out for the kids" and stay until their kids are older to divorce are fools. Kids are so much more intelligent and intuitive than adults give them credit for and you are doing a grave injustice to your children. Growing up in a household where there is animosity and an unhealthy relationship brewing between the parents can really mess with a kids head! Not to mention effect how they view and participate in future relationships. Kids are also very resiliant to adapting to their environment the younger they are, so if you are 100% sure your marriage is over, get it over with even if they are young. My mom's first divorce (I was 8 years old, sister 6 yrs.) was not tramatic on me and my sister at all. My mom's divroce to husband #2 (I was about 20, sister about 18) tramatic. Ripped our world apart. Now, I'm the LAST one condoning divorce. I strongly believe that marriage is "till death do you part. There are only a handful of reasons that I think are acceptable to end a marriage (but that's a whole other blog) And don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that single and divorced parents can provide a wonderful, loving environment for their children- being a product of divorced parents myself. It just takes mature, responsible adults to make it happen. But I think most would agree, that rare happy marriage that lasts 50+ years would be a wonderful bonus for any child to witness.
So ultimately marriage needs that TLC to keep the love and connection strong. I consider myself extremely lucky to not only have married a man that is open and will communicate with me (even if it's 4 am) but he truly cherishes being a loyal husband and father.
My logic is this: a happy, healthy marriage makes for happy, emotionally healthy kids.
I'm not gunna lie...even with the wonderful relationship I have with my husband, I do periodically find challenges in putting marriage first being a new mom. But that is why marriage is work, people! Example: Moving Lana from her snuggly bassinet nestled right next to me, and into the big, beautiful crib in her nursery. I knew as much as Chris loved Lana, he was feeling the need to get our bedroom back to just the two of us (and I'm not doing ANY funny business with my baby next to us!) I knew it was one of those moments that I have been "preaching" about, so...Marriage first. We made the decision together to make the move. I was a little sad the first night, I missed rolling over and seeing my beautiful baby girl right there next to me. But there ended up being so many positives from this decision, it was definitely the right thing to do! Not only did Chris and I enjoy our time alone again, but Lana went from sleeping 4-5 hours straight to sleeping 10-12 hours straight! HELLOOO SLEEP! Welcome back, old friend!! On top of that, it's much healthier to not get your baby too attached to sleeping with mommy & daddy for too long. I want her to be a wonderful, independent sleeper. (and she already is) So, marriage challenge #1- DONE!
Probably the most typical example of having quality time with your partner is Date Night. It works for most couples, and we are definitely in that pool. And it is hard. It's hard to leave your child, but it is so important! Not only to spend some much deserved alone time with your partner, but if you start when they are young, they will realize that when you leave, you are coming back! It helps with separation anxiety that 99% of kids experience. This way it won't be a total nightmare, crying fit and massive guilt trip just to get a few hours with your hubby. Actually, Chris and I left Lana when she was only 3 weeks old with my little sister to go to dinner and a movie. That might sound crazy because she was so young, but even more so why it worked so well! Newborns sleep a LOT, so it was great to go out to dinner and just talk. It really started to sink in that "Wow! We have a baby waiting for us at home right now...we are PARENTS! So amazing!! How are you feeling about all of this?" Of course we now like to reserve our Date Nights to not solely chat about the baby. It's so important for us to have other things to talk about besides Lana's poop and that cute new squeak sound she makes when you play with her. And when life gets crazy, and you are stuck without a sitter, we have cheated and toted Lana along for the ride to the new hip gastro pub or our favorite sushi joint. Somehow she's been so well behaved at this age we can get away with it. (plus- we've got to groom her for her culinary infused world ahead :) )
I know as Lana gets older and Chris & I have more children, there are going to be countless obstacles to overcome and tough marriage decisions we will have to make. Traveling without the kids can also be very difficult. That is something that I haven't experienced it yet (not until Lana is completely weaned from being breastfed) but that day is coming and I know it will be bittersweet. Not only is it difficult to think of leaving your little one(s) overnight, but having someone you trust watch them and know they are in great hands. Even though I will probably cry in those first moments of leaving, I REFUSE to be one of those parents that never leave their child! It's just not healthy... I want Lana to know that mommy and daddy need their time together alone so that they can come home and be the loving, solid foundation she will grow to appreciate and rely on.
I know that Chris and I have been together for just over 5 years (married for just over 2), and this is our first child so you may think "easier said then done" with a lot of this stuff. But this is what I signed up for! A successful marriage takes effort from both parties and I think if Chris and I can get into a groove with how we raise Lana and how we deal with our marriage, then we will have a much better chance of having a lasting, loving marriage. Most importantly, we practice what we preach for years to come. :)
